Agatha dear one, surely this can’t be IT?
Sorry Mary, but I think it may be. When I booked the Nile Cruise I was also expecting something a little grander. I’m sure it will turn out alright though, stiff upper etc.
But where will we sleep? And is there a fridge to keep the drinks cool? I imagined something a little more Agatha Christie – sharing observations with an intelligent Belgian detective – and so forth. Elegant dining whilst watching the sun dipping below the horizon from a comfortable deck chair. With nibbles.
It says here on the ticket “An authentic experience on a traditional Nile Vessel. A Felucca.” Well, that thing down there, with the patched sail and no apparent place to sit, must be a Felucca – sounds like some kind of exotic dish.
That’s falafel Agatha, we had some last night. They were delicious but I wouldn’t want to spend two nights in one.
Perhaps we could book ourselves onto a larger boat, I’m not sure I could squeeze myself comfortably onto that small wooden vessel as I’m convinced my thighs have swollen up in the heat
Hold your horses, Agatha. That chap sitting in the stern, wearing that ridiculous pith helmet and handlebar moustache, that’s the one I saw in the bar, the one I thought was the spit of Binky!
Let me find my binoculars. (Rummages in a large carpet bag). No, Mary, it looks more like Hercule Poirot, Binky doesn’t have such a large tummy. And remember, he has a horror of all things nautical. Anyway, let’s ask if we can transfer to that rather splendid vessel next to the Felucca.
(After several minutes and quite a degree of bartering the girls are seated on the deck of the luxury cruiser)
That’s better Agatha, thank you. Let’s order a quick snifter before we set off.
I think they only serve tea before midday, but I have got my hip flask with me – you know I never travel without a drop of sherry! (passes Mary the flask) Have you brought your bikini Mary?
Yes, but I don’t believe I will be braving it dear. After all we are well past our prime and I wouldn’t want to scare the other passengers.
Tosh and piffle. If I can expose my thighs in this great heat, then you can certainly bear your bikini-clad body – who’s going to mind really? Nobody knows us here.
Maybe you have a point Agatha. I was reading an article about that super athlete Jessica Ennis-Hill this morning. She was talking about her battle to get back into Olympian shape after having her son. Apparently it took her a whole year to regain her six pack. So what hope is there for us mere mortals?
But, Mary, as she is an athlete it’s her job to be in tip top physical condition, most ladies do not need a six pack to go about their daily lives. So a little wobble here and there is just proof you have carried a child.
I quite agree Agatha. And we should be proud of our bodies, whether or not we have had babies, and not shamed by ridiculous media expectations of unattainably flat tummies and thigh gaps. I personally think it’s a patriarchal conspiracy to keep women down.
Gosh Mary, have you been reading that Feminist book “The Beauty Myth” by Naomi Wolf again? You seem quite impassioned!
Oh, I do love that book, but no. I just get a little hot under the collar when one is made to feel ashamed of one’s’ looks. At my great age it really shouldn’t matter one jot.
Quite right. Tally Ho Mary! Let’s go and change, there are some sunbeds on the top deck and I don’t believe there are any Germans on board so we should have our pick of the best.
(After a quick change the girls are up on deck, suitably attired to catch the sun)
Mary dear, I’ve had a word with one of the stewards – such a lovely man, and he’s arranged for us to have a spot of fizz before luncheon. It seems that some American’s were here last week and they had a large bourbon every day at around 11.30, so a glass of fizz is absolutely acceptable.
Delicious Agatha! I don’t suppose you found out any information about the strange Poirot style gentleman?
No, apparently he joined the vessel two days ago but has only been out of his cabin once or twice – dicky tummy apparently!
Oh dear, so I don’t suppose we’ll get a chance to meet him at luncheon then?
I doubt that very much dear, but dinner should be an exciting event as it’s black tie and I believe they have some belly dancers to provide a bit of light entertainment.
Well, that certainly gives me more body confidence – I believe it can be quite arousing.
I wouldn’t know about that dear, but it will certainly be a talking point at embroidery club.
(Loud crash is heard- followed by a splash). Goodness what on earth was that Agatha? There seems to be a bit of a commotion.
Well certainly people are rushing around a great deal dear. Do you think the boat could be sinking? At least we’re dressed for it and I quite fancy the thought of a dip.
No dear, but I do think someone has wound up in the drink.
Goodness, I hope they can swim. Had we better go and have a look dear, see if we can help? Mary – it’s Binky – Look!!!! (and with this Agatha dives overboard and swims to Binky who is flailing in the water)
Agatha dear, oh do be careful. Here grab hold of the life belt – I’ll pull you up. My man – would you mind giving me some assistance? (pulling both Agatha and Binky onto the deck) Agatha – you were marvellous, I thought your diving abilities were long gone, but you were stunning – it was quite a show. That triple twist somersault certainly commanded interest!(People standing round applauding).
Mary dear, thank you, but I think we’d better get changed and find out why Binky wound up overboard with a knapsack full of my jewels. He was hiding it under his shirt, hence the large tummy. Do you think you could get me a small brandy to calm my nerves.
My good man, would you mind assisting my dear friend here? A small brandy please, and you can leave the bottle. Now Agatha, don’t you think we’d better all sit down and let the Captain investigate the case?
…to be continued